why God made strawberries

Why God Made Strawberries

Once upon a time, long, long ago (so long, to tell the truth, that it was the beginning of everything), First Man and First Woman lived in a snug little cottage in a neat little green field at the edge of a silver lake and they raised their own food and made their own Guinness and they were very happy together. Earth Maker was very happy with them because She thought they were a very successful experiment. She visited them occasionally and praised them for their hard work and their affection for one another.

You see, they did love one another a lot. They almost never had even a minor quarrel, and when they did have a little spat, didn't they get over it right away?

But finally one day, they had a huge fight, though I'm not sure what it was about. Then they fought about who started the fight and what the fight was about and they grew more and more angry.

Finally, First Woman storms out of the cottage. "You're nothing but a crude, flannel-mouth braggart!" says she. "I don't know why I put up with your talk for so long, but I don't want to hear another word out of you ever again!"

So out she goes, across the green field and by the silver lake and over the hill and out beyond.

"Well," says First Man, "At last she's gone and thank heaven for that. We'll finally have some peace and quiet around here. And that'll be a good thing altogether. I won't miss her at all, at all."

So he lights his pipe and sits back in his chair and begins to rock back and forth. Then he realizes that the fire has gone out. Try as he might he can't get it going again because the woman was so much better at starting the fire.

So finally he gives up and shouts, "I want me tea!"

Only First Woman isn't there, so he has to make himself his own tea. Now I hate to admit it in public like this, but your man was a terrible male chauvinist: he couldn't even boil water. It took him awhile to realize that without a fire you couldn't boil water, and without boiling water you couldn't make tea.

So he ate a half of a cold praty, the only food left in the cottage. It wasn't much and he was terrible hungry all together.

"Well," says he, "I'd better go to bed early and get a good, quiet night's sleep. I'll dig up some more praties tomorrow."

But it took him a long time to fall asleep, he was shivering so bad. "Well," says he, "the woman at least kept the bed warm at night."

Doesn't he wake up the next morning, groggy, cold, and unhappy. "I want me tea," he says, but not with much hope because he remembers what happened yesterday. Sure, how can he forget, himself still shaking with the cold.

So he eats the other half of the cold praty and sits in his rocking chair, chewing on his cold pipe, and thinking that life was pretty much not worth living.

Then who do you think comes into the cottage? No, not the woman: she's still furious. ‘Tis Earth Maker Herself.

"Now let me see," She says, "This is the blue planet, didn't I create yuz male and female here? How come ther's only one of yuz here? Let me see, sure, you're the man all right. Where's herself?"

"Gone, your rivirince," says First Man. "Gone altogether."

"She never left you!!" says Earth Maker.

"She did, your rivirince. She said she'd never come back."

"She never did!!. . .Don't tell me you had a fight?"

"We did."

"About what?"

"We couldn't remember. So we fought about that too."

"You never did!"

"We did."

"Do you miss her?"

"Something terrible," says First Man, the tears flowing down his cheeks. "I love her more than anything else in the world."

"Well up and after her, eejid! What are you waiting for?"

"It will do no good, she's had such a long head start I'll never catch up to her."

"Hmm. . .this will take some improvising, but I'm the Great Improviser, aren't I? I tell you what, you get out of this cottage and go after her and I'll go ahead of you with the speed of thought and slow her down."

So First Man jumps out of his chair and rushes out the door, across the green field and by the silver lake and over the hill and out beyond.

"Well," says Earth Maker to Herself, "he really loves her all right, the poor amadon."

So Earth Maker catches up with First Woman. She's still going down the road like a bat out of Purgatory.

"Still mad," says Earth Maker. "Let's see if I can slow her down."

So Earth Maker goes "Zap" and creates a huge forest to slow her down. Doesn't herself go through it like a knife through soft butter?

The She goes "Zap" again and creates a broad and swift river.

Doesn't herself dive into that river, clothes and all, and swim across it, Australian crawl at that.

"Maybe I made a mistake in deciding that the woman ought to be an athlete, but what's done is done. She must be hungry now. I'll slow her down with fruit trees."
So She goes "Zap" again and lines the road with peach trees and plum trees and pear trees and apricot trees (no apple trees because that is from a different creation story).
What does the woman do? Doesn't she pick the fruit on the fly and keep right on putting more distance between herself and the cottage back in the green field by the silver lake?

"Well now," says Herself. "It looks like I'll have to use me ultimate weapon. I'll have to create strawberries, like I've been planning to do all along."

So this time She makes a very loud ZAP!

A bunch of bushes with lovely white flowers spring up, and across the road itself this time.

Who built the road you want to know? Maybe the little fellas in the flying saucers and don't distract me with your foolish questions.

"Aren't they lovely flowers now?" says First Woman.

As she's watching the flowers turn into beautiful red fruit.

"Sure, aren't they shaped just like the human heart."

She feels one of the strawberries.

"And don't they feel just like the human heart, soft and yet firm!"

So she picks one of the strawberries and bites into it.

"Glory be, are they the sweetest things in all the world, save for the sweetness of human love!"

Earth Maker knows she's won.

"Speaking of love, I suppose I should wait here for the poor amadon who's out on the road trying to catch up with me. I'll pick him some of these strawberry things and feed him when he comes along so he'll know how much I've missed him."

So she picks a whole lot of strawberries and fills her apron with them. Then doesn't she sit at the side of the road, arrange her hair, and wait for himself to catch up.
How does she know the fruit was called a strawberry? Don't distract me with your silly questions.

So eventually, exhausted and sweating, doesn't First Man finally appear on the road.

"Tis yourself," says she.

"Tis," says he.

"Look at what I've found. They're called strawberries."

"Sure, aren't they shaped just like the human heart."

He feels one of the strawberries.

"And don't they feel just like the human heart, soft and yet firm."

So he puts one of the strawberries into his mouth, and naturally he bites into it.

"Glory be, aren't they the sweetest things in all the world, save for the sweetness of human love!"

So they ate a lot of strawberries and picked more of them. Then, with their arms around one another, they walk home together.

So much in love is herself that she doesn't notice that the river and the forest are gone.

And ‘tis said that they lived happily ever after. Not that they didn't fight anymore, but that they learned how sweet it is to reconcile.

Now the Bride and the Groom here today, and all the rest of yuz, remember this story every time from now on when you taste the sweetness of strawberries. And when you remember the story, ask yourselves whether you should be waiting for someone or trying to catch up with someone.

And never forget that the only thing in God's creation sweeter than the taste of strawberries is the sweetness of human love.

(thanks to The Wedding Script for this story)